You know those days when you ask a little human, “Why did you do that?” — and they shrug and say, “I don’t know”? Well… they’re not lying. Their brain actually doesn’t know — at least not yet. The truth is, being human is hard work. Even for us big humans, our brains are constantly trying to keep us safe, not smart, and as a result are prone to doing ‘not so smart’ things.
The science
We are undoubtedly an advanced species that has achieved incredible sophistication – technology, infrastructure, Artificial Intelligence – but our brains are still wired according to our primitive past.
The brain’s real job
Our brain’s number one job is to keep us alive and safe. That means it’s always scanning for threat, predicting what might go wrong, and triggering protective reactions before we’ve had time to think. In primitive times the threats were more physical – saber-toothed tigers, spear-wielding enemies from neighbouring tribes, famine, drought. Today our threats are social: fear of rejection or humiliation, uncertainty, loss of control over our environment.
However, our brains respond to both social and physical threats in the same protective way (lashing out, going quiet, rejecting sensible ideas, avoiding) and the part of the brain that helps with self-control, planning, reasoning and empathy is de-activated during those moments of perceived threat – focusing only on ‘survival’.
This is particularly true for children and teens whose pre-frontal cortex (that bit that is sensible) is not fully formed until around the age of 25.
So when our kids (or us for that matter), lose it and engage in non-useful behaviour, it’s a normal human reaction to the threat they perceive. And let’s stop calling it ‘bad’ behaviour. That’s not useful either.
THIS IS YOUR MOMENT to step in and support them to learn how to self-manage in those challenging moments. THIS IS YOUR MOMENT to be the adult.
Our job as the big humans
It’s important for we Big Humans to understand that Little Humans don’t have the same brain capability that we do when controlling their emotional responses. Outbursts are ‘coachable moments’ that should be taken advantage of – even when we feel triggered or offended or frustrated ourselves. If we can’t control our own emotional responses, how can we expect them to!
Tips for educators, parents and carers
-
Be the calm in the chaotic moment. Even if you have been called a name or consider the reaction inappropriate. Don’t make it about you – it’s probably not, and that can be addressed (and should be) later in the calm moment. Nothing you say in this moment will stick, so don’t bother.
-
Acknowledge the moment — “I can see you are very upset, let’s take a moment to stop and cool down”. This may mean moving the child to a different place – bedroom, out of the classroom.
-
Talk about the brain openly — it depersonalises behaviour and helps students separate who they are from what their brain is doing, enabling time and space to take back control and understand their feelings and behaviour.
-
Share your own process — “When I feel l like lashing out in those moments of frustration…what I do is…”
-
Talk about next time — “When this happens again, what will you try to do” – noting that the next time may not be any different, and that’s ok – their brain will learn over time.
-
Celebrate self-awareness moments — every “I noticed…” is a neural win. Celebrate the effort to self-control, not just the success. “I can see you are trying hard to get control of your brain – that’s great!”